Graduate

Graduate
Western education 2013

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

.....yup, its the big C.....again.....

......and the news came on the heels of an afternoon bone scan at Victoria Hospital.  I arrived at 10:30 for the radioactive injection...in the same spot as the CT scan IV hole from Friday.  A quick preliminary scan and I am sent back on my way.  The wait is 3 hours, enough time for the bones to produce that eerie glow where tumors which grow quietly can be detected.  Cancer is insidious and creeps into soft organs, tissues, skin, brain, bones.....

The bone scan takes about 45 minutes to complete.  They do the full body scan, head, neck and chest.... and they also scanned my still swollen toes from when a student dropped a desk leg on my foot on the second last day of my T2P as a gift - why not, I was already there!!  While the first test takes 18 minutes and scans the entire body from top to bottom, the next one takes approximately 3 minutes with my head to one side as they image both sides of my head.  Next comes the chest and neck 360 degree scan while holding my arms above my head....part way through, the pain from my neck and arm are distracting but I stay still for the entire 12 minutes.  My toes are last... I wonder if I have broken them??  I thank the staff, wish the pregnant technologist all the best with her new baby due in July and head down the hall to the cancer unit.

It is now 3 pm and Max has texted me that he has arrived at the clinic.  I decide to leave the hospital and walk outside to the front door of the cancer clinic which is in building A next door.  I see the cancer garden and the new pergola that was just being constructed when I finished my cancer journey in 2010.  There are a few people huddled under the roof.  The humidity has risen and the blackened sky threatens rain.  I try not to think of foreshadowing.....

Max's friendly face is seated in the waiting room.  He has insisted on being there when I get the results from Dr. Locke.   I did not involve Max much in my first journey.... I didn't want to inconvenience him with the dozens of appointments.  I didn't want him to worry and be scared sitting amongst so many ill people....I wanted to save him from the worry I knew would be overwhelming.  I do not like to burden people if I do not have to.... everyone has their own worries and their own journey to worry about.

Elenor drops by to give me my data sheets.  I was a part of a radiation study and every six months, I have to fill out this study.  Most questions ask about my mental state and how I feel emotionally about the big dent in my left breast.  I got over having a dent a long time ago....I call it my treasure chest because conveniently any necklaces I wear tend to find their way into the dent!!  Elenor is the clinician for the radiation trials and also a friend I made when we bumped into each other in the long-term care home that both of our alzheimer parents lived in.  We catch up and chat a while and then I let her know that while I likely will not be a graduate of the  study, I will be one from the university.  She is worried and wants me to call her to tell her the outcome of the tests... she will see me in the examination room to take pictures of my breasts.... yup, they are showcased in their medical journal....

Nurse Marg comes out to see me.  Hugs.  She has been an amazing nurse and confidant for almost 4 years now.  She is hopeful that the results are negative.  The doctor has been busy and is still reviewing my tests.  He arrives 20 minutes later, grabs his rolling stool, sits down and gives me that look.  I listen, Max listens when he outlines the test results.  No bone issues, however, the lump and the surrounding nodes have lit up.  Yes, it is cancer, but further testing will tell us what kind and with the team on board again, they will come up with a game plan.  First things first - get a biopsy of the crazy lump that has now popped out of hiding today and is resting comfortably on top of the clavicle. I personally would love to see the lesion excised immediately but I have trust in the team that has done amazing with me over the years.  The triple negative cancer may have evolved to something else and only time and technology will be able to determine both.  I take the news calmly...of course, I knew months ago something was wrong and my intuition has always served me well.  Max asks a few questions but I could tell he really was mulling over the information and wasn't sure what else to say.  I am on board ... let's just do this.

We hold hands as we walk off past the empty waiting room.  Dr Younis is waiting at the elevators....today is filled with foreshadowing??  He was my chemo oncologist......  I say hello to him just as Dr. Locke stops him.  Max walks me out to the parking lot and I turn to him and apologize.  It is hard enough going back to this place, being diagnosed again and looking into the eyes of my soul mate.  I am deeply sorry for the pain behind the eyes....

I drive off in my car and he leaves in his van for home.  I wait for him in the driveway thinking about what I need to do next and collecting my thoughts on how I will once again tell my children that their mother has cancer..again.  We sat around the dinner table and calmly and positively told the children the news and let them know as much as we knew.  Later I would tell my eldest son and his girlfriend - of course after I took the rest of the family out for ice cream at Cold Stone.... what else do you do??

I called my father-in-law, wrote to my classmates and announced it on FB.  There....now the journey can begin.......

I wish you all well.  Please feel free to contact me at maritadevries@rogers.com

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