Sunday, November 24, 2013
...... if you can't say something nice...
..... say nothing. Those are great words to live by and a reminder to each of us to be mindful of not only what we say but how we say it. It is enough to say that we have been very tolerant of my mother's deep seated need to create instant drama. Her dementia has only worsened this and has added a hint of paranoia making it impossible to be alone with her. Her self-appointed care giver lives too far away and has decided that while she believes herself to be apprised of our mother's mental condition, she has unwittingly created a very difficult and impossible situation for those of us living mere minutes away to offer any support or help. She has single-handedly created a hostile environment and has effectively isolated the one person she declares to love from my family.....the same person who has declared herself to be a healer????? We are all confused by this and from what I have researched.... this is apparently not a unique situation. Demented parents can cause a family craziness even if the family did not start out dysfunctional. It should be clear to anyone looking in that a person who declares themself a caregiver should at least find themselves living in the same city as the one they profess to be caring for. With all the craziness she has created... it only makes logical sense to simply bow out and allow her to "care" for our mother from 3400 km away.
Max is quiet and upset today.... he found out that mother has been speaking behind his back and saying the craziest things.... now he knows how I feel.... and she's my mother. He is hurt. He is the last person on the planet to speak ill of anyone and has been careful to choose his words carefully. It seems coincidental when he finally asked the distant care giver to quit texting him after reaching the end of his patience with the constant demands and using him to do their bidding. When I stepped away a few weeks ago, after it became evident that she was saying terrible things about me, Max stepped in to assist her with whatever she needed. While he was helping her for the second time in a week, she decided to tell him that I was not well in the head. He just looked at her and asked her to stop speaking ill of me. It didn't take her but a few minutes after he left the home to call and complain about him.... only it was an accusation. It leaves us in a very tenuous situation where neither one of us can be with her without someone in attendance lest we be accused of more sinister acts. The past two years has taken its toll on us and we are not amused.
I want to surround myself with the people who respect, value and care about me....life is too short in my journey to entertain anything less. I teach my children and my students to respect others and to speak well of each other while keeping a positive outlook.