Max's sister and brother in-law are hosting a family get-together at his parent's cottage for the first time in the 16 years I have been with my husband. The cottage is a long drive from here and the itinerary has been emailed to everyone..... for the week of the 21st of July....... I am sure its just an oversight despite the fact we have known about my appointment on July 23rd since mid April. I let my inlaws know that I will not be attending the first event that is a 5-6 hour road trip for our family .... inside I am thinking a possible first and last for me and I won't be able to make it even to the first one. I will choose to stay behind and care for the pets and house while mine and my husband's family gets together..... a cancer life can be painfully lonely even with family..... I wish we had gone with a previous idea of booking one closer to us....
The fact that my illness has often times left me out on the sidelines of family life....this just feels a kick to the face......while it may not have been intentional, that thought doesn't take the sting out of feeling dejected. I try to convince myself that I would just be a drag to everyone sitting on the dock or in a chair doing absolutely nothing when I could be at home canning my ripening tomatoes for 8 hours over a hot stove by myself. There have been many moments in this journey where I feel alone and apart from others.....this just makes it real. I try not to entertain the notion that I might not be here for the second annual event...if there is one. I want to cry but I'm afraid I might not stop. I feel like I am being punished for being ill.
I head back upstairs to lay down while Max readies himself for the day... I have been awake for most of the night listening to the sound of thunder and seeing the flashes light up the curtains. I am tired and feeling out of sorts. He crosses the room and lays next to me and the first tear escapes and rolls down my face.... I tell him that I have sent out an email letting his sister know that I will not be going to the cottage and asking him to just go without me.... he wants to know if its possible that I might not want to be there visiting with his sister.... the thought had crossed my mind..... and likely that would be the biggest reason why I won't travel the 5-6 hours so I can sit in an adirondack chair next to her to hear once again about how my "cancer is no big deal" or to be asked what my clothes size is..... or some other such insensitive commentary.
He heads downstairs after giving me a kiss and a pat on the back.....I turn over and pull myself out of bed... I am sore these days and today exceptionally tired. I convince myself to just get going anyway but sit there taking a moment to reflect....we had discussed with our inlaws for the past while to consider renting a cottage where everyone could meet that was close enough to us for obvious reasons.....after 16 years of being married to Max and never ever being invited to the cottage before... its suddenly became a planned family vacation for everyone during the one week in the summer that I need to be here..... I really try to take the high road but as I pondered some more... I have to own the anger brewing inside me.... it's time to get up and putter around.
I head out to the garden and pull weeds, squish shitty cucumber beetles and try not to cry.... the overcast gloomy skies are not helping my attitude and later when Kirsten calls... I will jump on and off the pity train and then decide its not worth mulling over any more. I confirm to myself that I really wouldn't want to have to sit in an adirondack chair playing pretend nice for the better part of a week when all I want to do is smash her square in the face with a well placed fist!!! There, I finally said it.....feel better.....not much.....I hate feeling these feelings.....its so not me. I think Kirsten has a point.... we used to as kids tell our siblings anything and everything we wanted them to know that bothered us about them.... and now, we just quell the desire to just break loose simply in part by ingrained niceties that keep us all from punching each other in the face..... I will stay home and just putter and hope my family is having a wonderful time.... without me.....
I am still feeling moody.... sitting in the back yard watching a woodpecker eating seeds from a birdfeeder when it gets slammed from behind by another woodpecker.... yah buddy... know how you feel. This morning I rescued a mouse swimming in our pool... he was on his last strokes when I pulled him free using the net. I simply put him back under the fence where I was sure he travelled from when he came upon the pool... and because the cat was out looking for a place to pee nearby... OK that's the story i'm sticking to. The thunder tolls every once in while as the clouds thicken.... I wonder how William is making out in Winnipeg with the flood relief job the platoon was bussed out to help with. The thunder is now deepening its retort and I am sitting under a metal umbrella typing while waiting for the lightening..... reminds me of a story about my neighbor Rudy from our last house.
Rudy, bless his soul, lived in the aluminum clad house kitty corner to my house. Each time a thunder storm would roll in, I would sit on my covered porch and watch Rudy struggle with the aluminum ladder and place it firmly so that it sat just above the eaves... the aluminum eaves. I would yell out 'Hey, lightening rod Rudy!!!!' He would just turn and wave and continue to remove debris from the leaves in the eaves while lightening flashed overhead. I often cringed waiting to hear the telltale snap of a bolt that met up with Rudy rummaging about. Ironically, two houses were hit a few blocks away... but not Rudy. Rudy Meyer was a rough exteriored Dutch man who survived the worst part of the war and eventually would come to Canada as a young man. I have only known him as a cranky old man who eventually gave up trying to scare me away and would just hug the stuffings out of me. I suppose it was in part because I wouldn't take his shit and he learned to give me less and less over the ensuing years when he became too sick to mow his own lawn and I would do it for him. He was even grateful, in his own way, when I had Max rebuild the back stoop before he could fall again. I am sure I saw tears...
Rudy eventually had a heart problem that led him to go to University Hospital to have surgery and he was not quite right, his partner Sharon would tell me on the way to a visit one particular afternoon just after his surgery. We got to his room and I looked around. "Sharon, did you happen to leave a set of outside clothes for Rudy and his wallet?" She replied, "why yes, of course, he insisted".... of course he 'insisted'... I headed down to the nurses station to report him as missing and likely already on his way home from the hospital. The nurse just looked at me. "I worked security and that was one of my jobs... you need to put out an APB, he is likely travelling by cab, foot or bus.... She picked up the phone and called security... and yes, he was nowhere to be found. I let her know I would bring him back when I locate him.... the nurse frowned and called a local cab company. I headed out with Sharon on a path I figured he would travel and asked her to keep an eye out. A few miles down the road we spotted him chatting with someone from the sidewalk which i pulled up onto and parked. "Well Rudy, come on, lets go". He followed us to the van but threw a temper and kicked the back of my seat until I conceded to turn the van around and head home. "OK Rudy, but after you visit with puppy and have your tea, you will need to be taken back... deal??" I spun around to see a very pouty old man with his arms folded tightly and nodding yes.
Rudy would eventually be diagnosed with lung cancer, somewhat beat that after yet another surgery and then finally, near the end, he was diagnosed with liver cancer. He went senile before the end... I ran into him in the cancer unit on one of my check ups and he didn't know who I was.... after almost 18 years of knowing him. I still miss the cranky bastard!!
Max and I talk about the planned vacation to the cottage later in the evening...I remind him that in 16 years of marriage, we have never been asked to join his sister at her inlaws cottage EVER.... then suddenly, plans are in place and voila... .cottage week is in the ONE week that I cannot attend even though we knew about my CT scan 3 months ago. Max finally concedes that he spoke for both of us and made a mistake about the time....it doesn't help that I feel left out, ignored and now just resigned to the fact that I don't feel important. The weather continues to misbehave in direct reflection of my thoughts.... I choose to sleep in the spare room convincing myself that its because I need to move about to get comfortable... but I know better than that....I punch my pillow square in the middle and simply fall asleep....
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